32 Innovations =That Will NOT Change Your Tomorrow (at least 24 won't)

    

            The New York Times’ June 1^st, 2012 article “32 Innovations That Will Change Your Tomorrow” is absolutely fascinating.  Nevertheless, I think it’s some predictions really misguided.  Scientific progress is inevitable, certainly, and that’s a very good thing.  But seriously – some inventions are just The Segway – they just don’t add much of anything we didn’t have before.  I have used the numbers that appear in the NYTimes article.

Here are the 24 they got wrong of the 32 Innovations that Will Change Tomorrow:

1.      Electricity Generating Clothes.  Sorry, NYT, but scientific clothes don’t seem to catch on.  Those color-changing-with-light t-shirts from the 80’s sank like a stone.  Unless we’re talking about gear for performance athletes, it’s the celebs and the fashion industry who set clothing trends, not some guy in a lab.  We’re going to have to have a serious energy crisis before people start using their pants to change their cell phones.

2.      The New Coffee.  Guys, coffee is already fantastic.  If you start putting Seville oranges and toasted almonds and berries into it, you’ve just made tea.  Which is also already as good as it’s going to get.  I don’t think there big areas to improve coffee – it’s already WAY popular.

3.      Analytical Work Out Underpants.  Here’s the quote, “The hope . . . is that when you see data telling you just how inert you really are, you’ll be inspired to lead a less sedentary life.”  Hahahahaha!  People already have that data in the form of what they see in the mirror, how they feel, and what their doctor tells them.  If they don’t pay attention to that data, why would they listen to their underpants?

4.      Giant Touch Screen Kitchen Tables/Cabinets/Counters.  This is basically a room size computer monitor in the kitchen.  How many people are there who need to work at a room size computer monitor while at the same time cooking meals?  Seriously?  How many people?  Do you really think the average home cook is going to shell out tens of thousands of collars for Tom Cruise’s Minority Report computer wall?  Why?  To go on a virtual tour of ancient Mesopotamia while making pancakes?

5.      Shampoo/ Conditioning/ Hair Drying Machine.  This would be cool.  Except it would probably pull your hair in uncomfortable ways and it would be 7000% more expensive than just washing your hair yourself.  Remember that giant financial crisis?  Does it sound like a good time to try to get people to pay 7000% more for the same thing they have been doing perfectly well since they were kids?

6.      Cars that have computer abilities to reduce traffic congestion.  This would be awesome – but again – giant financial crisis.  An even cheaper way to reduce traffic congestion:  take a bus, a train, or a bike.

7.  8.  9.  Better Bike.  Awesome ideas.  I like the anti-theft handlebars that wouldn’t allow a thief to steer the bike.  But please tell me how it’s that much better than the $5 bike lock I already have?  Again – giant financial crisis, and I already own the $5 bike lock.

11. Better Climate in Airplanes.  Awesome!  But it’s just a few hours, so I’m still going with the less comfortable airline if it’s cheaper.

12. Subway Straps that are also video games.  No thanks!  We have enough access to games on all our 400 mobile devices!

13. Anti-Slouch Computer Screen.  People don’t love it when their office furniture tells them to sit like a lady.  Office furniture is NOT grandma.

14. The SpeechJammer.  This gizmo shoots something at the target that scrambles his or her brain temporarily so that he or she can’t speak for a few seconds.  Here’s what’s going to happen.  Assholes will get this gizmo.  Someone won’t be able to yell, “Look out for that Bus,” and someone will die.  Then they will all be outlawed.  Also, wouldn’t using it be denying someone his or her freedom of speech?

15. The Idea of Being Nice to Employees.  Nobody ever thought of niceness before in the history of human society!!!  Thank you for that!!!

16. Your unique bodily movements as iPhone password.  Never let a friend/your child/stranger in an emergency use your phone again!

17. Less Safe Playgrounds.  Ummm – seriously?  Even if children like them better, cities and schools are not lining up to knowingly build more dangerous playgrounds so that they can be sued when kids break their heads open.  

18. Lying to Athletes to get them to perform better.  Again, litigation, my friend.  People don’t like being lied to.  If it’s ok to lie to a 21 year old kid to get him to run faster, is it also ok to lie to a 21 year old kid about how likely he is to suffer brain damage if he gets one more concussion?

20. Fake Chemical Booze that won’t give you a hangover.  I don’t know, maybe this will catch on.  It may also result in a gigantic increase in binge drinking.

21. The Mind-Reading Shopping Cart.  This is a shopping cart that follows you around the store, points you towards products on your list, and chides you if you buy oreos when you are supposed to be going low carb.  Ok, it sounds cool.  Would I pay more for my groceries to get to use a cool cart over a regular one?  Maybe – but I’d probably only do that once and then go get the same groceries cheaper elsewhere.  Also – hate to break it to you, mind-reading shopping cart inventors – but it’s WAY better for grocery store (financially) when their customers buy impulse items that weren’t on their lists and stray from their diets.

23. Teeth Microchips.  These are daily, disposable microchips that tell your dentist if you have plaque.  Now, how is this better than going to the dentist every 6 months?  Alao, two things, teeth sensor inventors:  people don’t like this dentist as big brother idea, and they aren’t going to be too crazy about accidentally swallowing lots of mini computer chips.

26. Household cleaners that point out nasty bacteria so you can clean the hell out of them.  Is this really a problem?  Are that many people really getting sick from E.coli in their bathrooms?  Are they the kind of people who would buy and then use this product?  Maybe it will be fantastic.  I can see it being useful in a lab, but is there really a need for this at home?  

28. Better TV Dinners.  Maybe these TV dinners will be way tastier than previous ones.  It’ll probably still be much cheaper and healthier to cook at home.  But, like so many things that add to the obesity epidemic, it might be a runaway financial success.

29. Yogurt in a strawberry pouch.  This idea is essentially making food packaging that comes in an edible container.  Do people want to eat their food in something called Wikicells?  I don’t know.  But like number 28 and so many other things that add to the obesity epidemic, it might be a runaway financial success.

      30. Garden Sensors that water and put pesticides on your plants.  This could be cool.  Also, it gives you more time to eat your wikicell yogurt in your giant room size monitor kitchen.  Never will people have to get some fresh air or eat non-chemical-laced food again.

31. Robo-Petting.  Petting a little strip of “smart fur” to get the same blood pressure lowering benefits as petting Fido is not going to work.  Because, sex is a great stress reliever too.  And the people who pet pieces of faux fur will never have sex again.